Good Monday morning

Hi! From the office, which is a converted closet. Honestly. I love my closet. Sometimes I even peek out. Still have a bad cold, can you tell?Hope your Thanksgiving week is off to a great start! So much to say “thanks” for, isn’t there? Now, finishing up that correcting. 

Grabbed that branch.

The weather has been beautiful around here for the past week. I’ve been working on the postive self-talk, and you know what? It really does make a difference. Slight, perhaps, but every little bit of goodness counts toward improving one’s overall well-being. It sounds silly, but if you tell yourself you already ARE where you want to be, somehow, you start moving that direction. Anyway.

Kids are doing great! Big girl got a cell phone, at age 10, and it has been such a great thing, far more reassuring and handy than I imagined it would be. Definitely highly recommended. Zufan’s new thing is that she wants to constantly talk about her story. She sometimes plays with the facts a bit and says that she was in “Ethiopia’s tummy,” among a whole bunch of other adorable things. In her own 3 year old way, she’s getting a handle on a complex topic.  I would SO love to take her back to Ethiopia to visit. It certainly can’t happen now, but I dream about it, and hope it will happen someday.

A few random Wednesday pix

See the smiling girl on the bottom left, purple pants and purple hat brim? That’s my big girl, who ran a 5K with me on Saturday in about 34 minutes. That is a really good time for her! I ran ahead and finished about 10 minutes earlier then took my time getting back to the finishing area and barely made it to see her. I couldn’t believe she was there already. I guess she smiled the whole race, according to reports, and she had a HUGE smile when I saw her running down the finishing chute. It was a really fun day. Attitude is more than half the battle.The third picture wordpress will not let me delete. Weird, and I don’t have time to mess with it, so there it is. It’s a picture of me with some students, and then the last one is the cake some students brought to class for my birthday to surprise me. That was so nice. Two of the girls actually got together to bake it, then during break they came walking in attempting to sing Happy Birthday in Spanish. Sweet. It was my only cake this year, and I brought a couple cupcakes and candles home for the kids, and we blew them out about 4 times, much to their delight. I don’t need cake, don’t even miss it (would much rather have fruit!! ), but the thought was nice. The picture only has about 1/3 of the class on it; rest are out buying beverages and stuff to go along with snack time. I love my students. Love my jobs. Just miss my free time and my kids, and could use triple the pay, but I sure am thankful that I’m not working at McD0nalds or something; so much to be grateful for, huh? Gotta remember that. One thing I’m going to work on this next month: I’m going to try to cut the negative self-talk. I am positively mean to myself in my head. I tell myself I’m a loser, than I’m so slow and out of shape, that I don’t get anything done, and on and on and on and on. It is going to be an experiment. Be nice to myself — even if I don’t really mean it — and see if the positive talk can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. We’ll see. Check back, I’ll let know you if it works.

39

Yep, it’s my birthday again. Last year I can be a 30-something. Thanks for all the facebook “Happy Birthday”s. I have no birthday plans, but it is absolutely a good day. Two minutes ’till I teach; gotta run.

Thanks, Leslie

Aww, that is so nice, I got a blog award, from this awesome single mom who has adopted two girls, one from Ethiopia, one from Haiti. Now I really should get a post up and try to earn the award, after the fact, shouldn’t I?! I am too swamped to think right now, but here’s the schedule for today: Got up at 5:30 to swim for an hour this morning, then to the office, soon off to parent-teacher conferences at school, and then teaching a 2.5 hour class right after the conferences, kid care from early afternoon until early evening, and then saying good-bye to a friend who is moving away tonight. Got to get to bed at a more reasonable time, and not sure when, if ever, I’m going to fit in a run. Or a real post, which for me right now would be an open, questioning-it-all, wallowing-in-emotion post. I have it in me. Just can’t find time and the right words to get it all out. Maybe that’s for the best.

My computer is dead and gone

This, on top of the crazy-busy rest of my life, really puts a kink in the blogging. But boy, do I want to write. I am, at times lately, drowning in emotion, frustrated with some aspects of my life and, well, there’s just so much that I’m working through right now. Will it ever get easier? I need time to exercise, which makes me a much better mother, but unfortunately, if I exercise, I’m taking time away from the kids. They need me. I’m already so busy with work and the night classes I’m taking. Now, no computer at home. Social life is on hold. Send me good thoughts, because so much of the time it feels like I am climbing up a really big hill, I make some progress, but then it starts to rain and I slip backwards in the mud and muck. Right now I’m slipping back with no clear foothold in sight. Yes, life is good; but it is also hard. If any of you are feeling the slip back down the muddy hill, know you are in good company. There’s got to be a tree trunk back there to stop the backwards slide soon. I know it. Then I can start moving back up again. Gotta remember: It’s the journey. Wishing you all a great week.

Busy, tired, happy, drained.

We’ve got all the emotions around here, in different ratios at different times. A few quick notes: Obama is in town today. Wow. At a middle school. That is cool. Big girl is 4th grade class president; proof of the power of homeschool socialization (and a little good luck). My classes are really going well at both jobs, one of my best semesters yet. Zufan is her funny little self.  After she had had her allotment of Halloween candy, I told her no more. She replied “I will eat one more and then I will say I’m sorry.” Silly girl. She knows how to work the system. Little boy is as cute as ever, doing well in school and Kung Fu. As for me, well, I’ve been having a little bit of social fun, nothing huge to write home about, though. The most notable event is that the twin from a few posts back (now shaven and without sunglasses) came back for more (what’s he THINKING?! ) and he’s been a good friend (picture is posted with permission from twin 1.) That’s been healthy for me, keeps me happy and focused and I’m a better parent for it. Twin 1 is nice. I’m overdue for some niceness. Now, a couple pictures of the latest goings-on. I also have one of the little boy in his pirate suit — but on the other camera, which, as to be expected, I have currently misplaced. More later!!!! Hope you’re all doing great. 

Wordless today

So much floating emotion, not sure where it is all going to settle

I underestimated the emotional impact of finally, finally getting things finalized. Getting single. I’ve had a hard time handling the JOY, containing it, doing the things I have to do, going on with life as if nothing has changed. I am different. I am HAPPY, even though I still have a rather annoying sometimes scantily clad roomate wandering around who can’t remember to close the bathroom door to save his life (ahhhh!!! we need rules around here).

 The joy has clouded my vision. Of course, I DO still feel sad about the fact that I don’t have a relationship right now, but what I do have is HOPE. And I have friends. So much hope, and such great friends. I wonder if it is normal to adore my friends to the extent that I do? I just LOVE my friends. Love you, all of you, here, there, virtual, flesh-and-blood, old and young, male and female. Love you all. Why aren’t I jaded? I should be. I feel like it is the fourth of July and the beauty of the fireworks won’t end. I feel like this is the standing ovation, after years of waiting…

Of course I will come back down to “normal” soon, I know, but for now, I guess I’ll just continue to ride this wave of joy. If anyone needs a blast of optimism, come my way. I have been through some soul wrenchingly dark times — mostly of my own making — and a couple of times had the heart crushed into such a shattered mess that I knew I’d never be the same (and I wasn’t; but who wants ”sameness”?). Yet here I am. Today. With 3 beautiful kids, a sunny day, and absolutely unlimited and undefined possibility on the horizon. Sometimes, I guess, you don’t realize how the oppresion has sucked the life out of you until you make the great escape and the life rushes back in, bringing a color and brightness that makes you marvel at how, how, how, could you have ever contemplated NOT reaching this point. Wow. So thankful. So thankful for all that brought me here. Still, I have a long ways to go on the practical front, but a little irrational joy is a step in the right direction.  Hope the rest of you are doing well, too.

Life after divorce

Well, two days as an officially single person, and not much has changed — except maybe my attitude, a little bit. I’ve worn myself out with happiness. Being actively happy can be taxing. :)

When it came time for court on Friday, the ex and I drove separately but met each other at the door, walked in together, found the room and sat down at the same table since we didn’t have lawyers, and we took a picture. I joked that we should put it up on the wall alongside the wedding photo. I know, that’s a little bit sick, but you have to find humor where you are. We each went on the stand, agreed on everything — when you have no assets to divide up and are living in the same spot so that custody details are also a non-issue, it is pretty easy to agree. Basically, the judge divided up the debt, and pronounced us divorced. I sorta got the “good” (now THAT really makes me laugh, ”good” being an incredibly relative term under the circumstances! ha!) end of the deal, but it is as fair as these things get since he has been the student for all these years.

When the moment came — when the judge said that as of today, it is official (and warned we cannot remarry or marry anyone else for 6 months! ha ha ha HA!!!) I felt like there was a light coming down from the sky, and I was absolutely overwhelmed with joy. I almost cried with happiness. I smiled so much at the judge that he probably thought I was working my newly single status and hoping for a date with him or something. Wow, I was so happy. Now, I’m just coasting along, after a really really busy weekend with the parents in town and me, well, stepping a bit outside my comfort zone. First, getting un-married:

  

Now, I don’t have to worry about being “tall” anymore. Really, I’m not that tall, just about 5′7″; but I’ve always felt like a giant. I’m going to be shallow for awhile and not date anyone under, say 5′10″, and preferibly no one under 6′. Yep. Shallowness will reign.

When I was in college, I never went to a football game, not as an undergraduate or grad student. I pretty much walked the straight and narrow study path. Well, by some miracle I got my newly single self invited to a game this weekend. It was ridiculously fun. I was NOT even wearing a “I just got divorced yesterday: Please hit on me” sign around my neck, but I might as well have been. Check out the twins. I discovered that I like twins; especially the unshaven baseball cap and sunglasses wearing twin.  Life is full of possibility, isn’t it?

Then, after the game, I met up with my parents and the kids, went shopping with them, out to eat, and celebrated the big girl’s birthday once again. I can not believe my firstborn is 10. She is so sweet, my little angel.

Happiness comes in many different forms. Of course, having “the one,” your life-long partner by your side to multiply the joy in life is priceless. But for now, for me, having the world open and full of possibility is a wonderful form of happiness. As far as the finding-a-partner thing goes, I’m not in a hurry. It probably won’t happen for quite a while, and that is fine. I don’t know the who, when, or what, but one thing that I’m convinced of (or at least working to convince myself of), is that it is going to be really good. There is no way that I’ve waited all these years for anything less than something really awesome, right? And if it doesn’t happen? Well, that’s OK, too! I mean, look at these amazing kids. Wow. That’s got to be the biggest gift of all. Isn’t life beautiful? I’m trying to surrender to the unknown… We’ll see if I can keep up that attitude.