Hey girls

So sorry I’m not posting. Summer is flying by, and there are many things we need to get in order around here. The 2 big kids are going to public school next year for the first time; we have homeschooled up until this point. We are all very nervous about sending them out into the big, bad world. Zufan will have two mornings of preschool, which I know she will LOVE. I’m still recovering from a stress fracture to the foot from the marathon so I haven’t been running, which has been hard for me, mostly because I like to think through what all is going on in life while I’m running, and without that I am less focused, more scattered, less productive. I need to clean the house, organize the kids’ clothes better. I need to start organizing my lessons for school in the fall.

Also, I’ve discovered that I need my friends. I don’t mean more and new friends, really; been trying that a little, with mixed results. (Too bad I can’t post about THAT. )I need my friends who have been with me for years — and that includes lots of you readers. We all need love, acceptance, and the freedom from having to prove ourselves. Right now, I wish I had more of all three of those things. I wish I had someone really, really trustworthy to lean on to make it through the hard times; and raising kids right while simultaneously becoming a single person in your mind yet living most of the time as a psuedo-married person qualifies as a hard time. I DO have people, but, I try to spread out my leaning so that I don’t take anyone down with me.  

Now, that was far more than I planned to post, here at my standing computer station. Hope you’re all doing well. Even when I don’t read and visit your blogs, I think of my blogroll girls every day. Know you’re loved. And you don’t even have to prove a thing to earn that love. (Just being a little silly. ) Take care.

Scootering

She is way, way too little for a scooter like this, I know. It isn’t hers. She keeps “borrowing” it from our neighbors. I asked her, “Zufan, remember, why do you need to wear a helmet?” She told me, “To po-teck me bain.” Yep. Keep that smart little 2 year old brain protected. Luego!

Sick big girl

Big girl seemed to get better after two days on the antibiotics, but suddenly, she is so nauseated. The rash that was all over her chest and shoulders is gone and her throat never did bother her, but she was up in the night last night throwing up. She has thrown up at least 10 times since the nausea hit at about 11:00 pm last night.  She’ll try to sip water but nothing is staying down. I guess we’ll give it a day or so and just expect that this, too, will pass.

So, I’m missing my morning group bike ride today to stay home and rock my nine year old. I love that she is always so cuddly. Have I said before that she is a sweetheart? I know, I know. Sometimes I even feel like I have to tell her that she does NOT always have to be so good. Like last night, in the night when she was sick she told me she would go and be with Papi for awhile so I could get some sleep. She did, and I did sleep. I checked on them awhile later and they had the house lit up like the middle of the day and he was (loudly) reading a novel to her. Despite the occassional (or maybe “frequent” is  more accurate) stress of living with the ex, there really are advantages, for all of us. I guess it is good that finances are so bad that we will likely continue this living situation indefinitely. The kids are happy like this, and the parents, well, we are not unhappy.

I’ll end this with a couple of pictures. These are from about a week and a half ago, right before our last trip to Grammie’s house. Big girl had an evening at a friend’s house, much to the dismay of the littler two, and I told the littles that we could do whatever “special thing” they wanted to do with Mommy — within reason. Well, of course! They wanted to go to Chuck E. Cheese. Here they are, in their glory.

They were crazy about that simulator ride. Notice how close together they are sitting. Zufan wanted her brother right next to her. Lately, she will run up to him and hug him and tell anyone around, “dis is me brudder!” The expression on his face is priceless when she does that. Of course, they still do fight (notice I said “fight” not argue — the attacks are mostly physical) with each other quite a lot, but the love is huge. Anyway. Enough for now. Have a great Sunday.

I get scarlet fever… every time I see her…

That’s the only line I know. No idea where it comes from, but it’s got to be something old.

The big girl has had an itchy, itchy rash the last couple of days. Remembering what I read not so long ago on Leslie’s blog about K’s rash we went to the clinic today, and sure enough — scarlet fever has migrated to Wisconsin. Sounds bad, but really it’s just strep throat with a rash. Her main problem is the itchyness, and maybe because of that I’ve had a tearful 9 year old this evening. Even when she is crying she is sweet and sort of smiles through the tears. She is such an amazing little girl, with the kindest, most compassionate demeanor. We all benefit from her goodness. Here are both girls, another pic from last week at Grammie’s house. Notice that Zufan is dripping, head to toe, and loving it.

To write or not to write

Lately, my blog seems to be suffering from a multiple personality disorder. Is it about adoption? Parenting? Running? Becoming a 38 year old single momma? I’ve thought a lot about what to write, how honestly to write and really, whether or not to write at all. The wisest and safest would be maybe not to write at all. The thing is, I am somehow driven to write. Things make sense after I work them out on paper, whether in an e-mail to a friend, in the blog, or just writing it all down to myself. My grandma, the one who has been gone for over 2 years now, kept a journal all through her early married years, all the way back to the 1930’s I think, and left it behind when she died. Maybe she was driven to write, as well. Do many of the rest of you feel this drive to work in all out through seeing your thoughts on paper?

I have kept personal journals all through the years, starting back when I was 5 years old and overwhelmed by a crush on a little boy in my kindergarten class. The diary was soft cover and homemade, with light brown paper. I remember being overtaken with the fear of discovery and running that diary out to the burning barrel one day (yes, we used to burn our own garbage in the back yard, legally — ahhh!), tossing it in, and the relief of watching my 5 and 6 year old thoughts burn away. I’d sure give a lot to have that diary back.  I also trashed every journal I wrote during my teenage years, my twenties and even my early thirties.  The writing had served its purpose, and it wasn’t only the fear of being discovered and judged on the perceived imperfection or crazyness in my thinking that motivated me later; trashing the diary is a symbolic way of moving forward. The last personal journal I destroyed was a little over a couple of years ago. I guess I’m still working through what has come after. That said, I have taken a giant step forward lately, and I’m going to tell you all about it in the blog — although “you all” these days refers to my 3 surviving readers, right?

I want so badly to write about my personal life. I don’t mean the past; that’s done. The present and the future! I want to write about getting out there, meeting people, and dating – if it ever comes to that, that is. At the same time I know I need to protect my privacy and that of the people around me, too. So, I’ve decided there have to be some clear standards for how personal my writing is. I can write it if I can imagine it being found and read by the following people: the person I’m writing about; my relatives; people at work; and the kids when they are a bit older. If I could feel minimal embarrassment and live with it being read by any or all of these people, then I can write it. If not… it’s going in the personal journal or in an e-mail to a friend.  That leaves quite a bit of wiggle room, but at least I will THINK before I hit “publish.” Sound good enough?

Now… Clearly, I had SOMETHING to write, which movited me to write this post, but I just spent all my time writing about writing. I really need to get moving. More soon.  Anyway, blogger girls, what are your own standards for privacy / openness? Let me know where you stand on this one, and if you think my “rule” sounds fair and comprehensive enough.

I’ll leave you with this song. Again, I am not usually a country music fan. The singer’s hat looks so hilarious it distracts from the words. I’m more the Michael Franti type. However, I heard this song yesterday and it reminds me of holding little babies in the orphanage and not being able to imagine that they are “anything but mine.” I’ll leave it at that. Hope you’re all enjoying your summer. Time to get in gear now — we have Chinese class and art class to tend to this afternoon, and some lap swimming in the cold pool for mommy. Luego!

The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.

(sorry, don’t know who said that first)

Carl Jung says: There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year’s course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word ‘happy’ would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.

The Dalai Lama says this: Consider the following. We humans are social beings. We come into the world as the result of others’ actions. We survive here in dependence on others. Whether we like it or not, there is hardly a moment of our lives when we do not benefit from others’ activities. For this reason it is hardly surprising that most of our happiness arises in the context of our relationships with others.

Nor is it so remarkable that our greatest joy should come when we are motivated by concern for others. But that is not all. We find that not only do altruistic actions bring about happiness but they also lessen our experience of suffering. Here I am not suggesting that the individual whose actions are motivated by the wish to bring others’ happiness necessarily meets with less misfortune than the one who does not. Sickness, old age, mishaps of one sort or another are the same for us all. But the sufferings which undermine our internal peace — anxiety, doubt, disappointment — these things are definitely less. In our concern for others, we worry less about ourselves. When we worry less about ourselves an experience of our own suffering is less intense. 

And finally, Helen Keller reminds us: 

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.

Hi there! It’s me. I’m still here. My posting has temporarily gone down the drain, but we are doing well!!! In reference to the Helen Keller quote above, I think, maybe, I have finally stopped staring at the closed door — although I’m sure I’ll still glance back at it occassionally. I am doing well. Really well. I swear. I know, it is a bit of a head scratcher that I am feeling this optimistic – despite a stress-fractured foot. And let’s not overanalyze that, for fear of making this tenuous grasp on joy go running the other way.

We’ve been busy lately! Took another trip to MN to see my parents and grandma. Gram is still hanging on. Here she is with the girls, Zufan sound asleep on her lap. It was sweet. The big girl is incredibly good with all the folks in the nursing home, and has talked up a storm about them, who does what at lunch and on and on.

Here are the two littlest, on the playground.

Zufan is, for the most part, potty trained. Sort of. If we use the phrase loosely, anyway. We went cold-turkey on the diapers (except for nighttime) because if I put a pull-up on her she asks, “Mommy, I have on a diaper-change?” I’ll say “yes,” and she immediately goes because she suddenly “can’t” make it to the bathroom. If she has on undies, though, she will wait. Smart girl. Once on the way to MN we stopped by the side of the road so she could go and she loved it so much that now at home she is still trying to run outside to potty on the grass. Such model neighbors we are. OK! More later!! Hope you’re all well.

Watering the flowers

A quick couple of pictures of Zufan at Grammie and Grandpa’s house.

Helping out at the dental appointment

I’m overdue for a post, I know. I have pictures and activities to report and some cute Zufan antics, but for now here we are, at Mommy’s dental appointment this morning. I brought Zufan along and she sat “very, very still” on my lap during the cleaning and check-up — as you can see.

I sincerely apologized for having to bring her along, but had no other option this morning. They told me it’s OK, but I’d have to have her sit in the corner of the exam room with some books and toys. At the mere suggestion of such a travesty Zufan started tensing up for a total, panicky screaming disaster.  I said well OK then, if she can’t sit on my lap I’ll have to reschedule, because this 2 year old won’t sit alone in any unfamiliar corner quietly. The hygenist (probably cursing her fate for having been assigned this troublesome case) said we could try it. Surprisingly, it went really quite well. Zufan seemed to enjoy the experience, and kept stretching her neck and leaning forward to try to get the best view of the action. And really, why wouldn’t she enjoy it? I enjoyed it too, far more than I do a typical dental appointment. Park, zoo, swimming pool, dentist; the differences are minimal. What matters most is who you’re with.

Happy 4th of July… and where did June go?

Wow, this summer is flying by with frightening speed. This past week my best, most adored girlfriend in the world was in town for the first time since last summer, and we spent a whole lot of time together, both with and without the kids. I took a little bloggy break. It was the healing therapy I so desperately need in these current sorta hard times. We had so much fun, talked so much, and enjoyed the kids together incredibly much. My kids love her, and vice versa. She thought Zufan was an absolute riot. I always love my baby, of course, but my appreciation of her sense of humor and indomitable personality multiplies when there is another laughing, thoroughly amused adult to share her antics with. Here are the kiddos, with the world’s best almost-aunt:

I am incredibly thankful for that friendship. Wow. Thank you. Over and over.

I have a few other things stewing and brewing at the moment but since the blog is public, I’m hesistant about putting it all out there, so I guess I’ll continue to sort of breeze over the top, pushing the limits a little by making a reference here and there, but not really let it all out. In any case, you know that I appreciate you blogger girls as well, and consider these online, virtual friendships as pretty much “real,” too. Thanks for hanging with me. I really am sucking up all the support I can get right now, so send lots of good vibes this way. (And if you know any smart, althetic, single men who might like to hang out with me a bit, you could send them this way, as well. I’m ready for ‘em ).

Finally, congratulations to Julie, who passed court and is officially a mommy!!!!! WOW!!! Awesome. The world is good, and sometimes, things really are sweeter for having passed through the fire to get there. If you haven’t seen the pictures of their kids yet… GET OVER THERE!!! Watch the video. I think I’m last to the party, though, so y’all have already been there. It’s wonderful, some of the cutest kids I’ve ever seen. Happy, happy, happy 4th of July, 2009.