Busy, tired, happy, drained.

We’ve got all the emotions around here, in different ratios at different times. A few quick notes: Obama is in town today. Wow. At a middle school. That is cool. Big girl is 4th grade class president; proof of the power of homeschool socialization (and a little good luck). My classes are really going well at both jobs, one of my best semesters yet. Zufan is her funny little self.  After she had had her allotment of Halloween candy, I told her no more. She replied “I will eat one more and then I will say I’m sorry.” Silly girl. She knows how to work the system. Little boy is as cute as ever, doing well in school and Kung Fu. As for me, well, I’ve been having a little bit of social fun, nothing huge to write home about, though. The most notable event is that the twin from a few posts back (now shaven and without sunglasses) came back for more (what’s he THINKING?! ) and he’s been a good friend (picture is posted with permission from twin 1.) That’s been healthy for me, keeps me happy and focused and I’m a better parent for it. Twin 1 is nice. I’m overdue for some niceness. Now, a couple pictures of the latest goings-on. I also have one of the little boy in his pirate suit — but on the other camera, which, as to be expected, I have currently misplaced. More later!!!! Hope you’re all doing great. 

Wordless today

So much floating emotion, not sure where it is all going to settle

I underestimated the emotional impact of finally, finally getting things finalized. Getting single. I’ve had a hard time handling the JOY, containing it, doing the things I have to do, going on with life as if nothing has changed. I am different. I am HAPPY, even though I still have a rather annoying sometimes scantily clad roomate wandering around who can’t remember to close the bathroom door to save his life (ahhhh!!! we need rules around here).

 The joy has clouded my vision. Of course, I DO still feel sad about the fact that I don’t have a relationship right now, but what I do have is HOPE. And I have friends. So much hope, and such great friends. I wonder if it is normal to adore my friends to the extent that I do? I just LOVE my friends. Love you, all of you, here, there, virtual, flesh-and-blood, old and young, male and female. Love you all. Why aren’t I jaded? I should be. I feel like it is the fourth of July and the beauty of the fireworks won’t end. I feel like this is the standing ovation, after years of waiting…

Of course I will come back down to “normal” soon, I know, but for now, I guess I’ll just continue to ride this wave of joy. If anyone needs a blast of optimism, come my way. I have been through some soul wrenchingly dark times — mostly of my own making — and a couple of times had the heart crushed into such a shattered mess that I knew I’d never be the same (and I wasn’t; but who wants ”sameness”?). Yet here I am. Today. With 3 beautiful kids, a sunny day, and absolutely unlimited and undefined possibility on the horizon. Sometimes, I guess, you don’t realize how the oppresion has sucked the life out of you until you make the great escape and the life rushes back in, bringing a color and brightness that makes you marvel at how, how, how, could you have ever contemplated NOT reaching this point. Wow. So thankful. So thankful for all that brought me here. Still, I have a long ways to go on the practical front, but a little irrational joy is a step in the right direction.  Hope the rest of you are doing well, too.

Life after divorce

Well, two days as an officially single person, and not much has changed — except maybe my attitude, a little bit. I’ve worn myself out with happiness. Being actively happy can be taxing. :)

When it came time for court on Friday, the ex and I drove separately but met each other at the door, walked in together, found the room and sat down at the same table since we didn’t have lawyers, and we took a picture. I joked that we should put it up on the wall alongside the wedding photo. I know, that’s a little bit sick, but you have to find humor where you are. We each went on the stand, agreed on everything — when you have no assets to divide up and are living in the same spot so that custody details are also a non-issue, it is pretty easy to agree. Basically, the judge divided up the debt, and pronounced us divorced. I sorta got the “good” (now THAT really makes me laugh, ”good” being an incredibly relative term under the circumstances! ha!) end of the deal, but it is as fair as these things get since he has been the student for all these years.

When the moment came — when the judge said that as of today, it is official (and warned we cannot remarry or marry anyone else for 6 months! ha ha ha HA!!!) I felt like there was a light coming down from the sky, and I was absolutely overwhelmed with joy. I almost cried with happiness. I smiled so much at the judge that he probably thought I was working my newly single status and hoping for a date with him or something. Wow, I was so happy. Now, I’m just coasting along, after a really really busy weekend with the parents in town and me, well, stepping a bit outside my comfort zone. First, getting un-married:

  

Now, I don’t have to worry about being “tall” anymore. Really, I’m not that tall, just about 5′7″; but I’ve always felt like a giant. I’m going to be shallow for awhile and not date anyone under, say 5′10″, and preferibly no one under 6′. Yep. Shallowness will reign.

When I was in college, I never went to a football game, not as an undergraduate or grad student. I pretty much walked the straight and narrow study path. Well, by some miracle I got my newly single self invited to a game this weekend. It was ridiculously fun. I was NOT even wearing a “I just got divorced yesterday: Please hit on me” sign around my neck, but I might as well have been. Check out the twins. I discovered that I like twins; especially the unshaven baseball cap and sunglasses wearing twin.  Life is full of possibility, isn’t it?

Then, after the game, I met up with my parents and the kids, went shopping with them, out to eat, and celebrated the big girl’s birthday once again. I can not believe my firstborn is 10. She is so sweet, my little angel.

Happiness comes in many different forms. Of course, having “the one,” your life-long partner by your side to multiply the joy in life is priceless. But for now, for me, having the world open and full of possibility is a wonderful form of happiness. As far as the finding-a-partner thing goes, I’m not in a hurry. It probably won’t happen for quite a while, and that is fine. I don’t know the who, when, or what, but one thing that I’m convinced of (or at least working to convince myself of), is that it is going to be really good. There is no way that I’ve waited all these years for anything less than something really awesome, right? And if it doesn’t happen? Well, that’s OK, too! I mean, look at these amazing kids. Wow. That’s got to be the biggest gift of all. Isn’t life beautiful? I’m trying to surrender to the unknown… We’ll see if I can keep up that attitude.

Today

Today, I get divorced. At 2:45. If we go through with it. It isn’t over ’till it’s over, and even then, it isn’t really over.

Inspiration is needed. My friend in Slovakia (yeah, cool, I have a friend in Slovakia ) sent me this link. The father does the entire Ironman taking along his child who has special needs. Watch it, cry with me, and know that no matter what, we are all so fortunate, so blessed.

It is all going to be OK…. Right? Now, here I go, stepping into the future. Let’s go, Amigas, come with me, hold my hand.

CAN

Cold marathon, happy people

It was a great marathon weekend. I said good-bye to the kiddos on Saturday morning and went to Chicago, stayed with my awesome, best-ever girlfriend, and laughed so hard I felt like we had done pilates class. Once, I think I went a whole 2 minutes without breathing ’cause we were laughing so much. THAT was therapy. So healthy. The marathon itself was freezing, 33 degrees at the start and 36 at the finish, 3:56 minutes later. My time last year was better by 8 minutes, but I was still happy with a sub-4 hour time because my training wasn’t nearly as good this year, and the conditions were less than ideal, for me. The marathon fans in Chicago were awesome. There were some times when the crowd was SO loud that I could hear absolutely nothing, it was sort of like being underwater, and I almost got dizzy from the noise. Anyway. After the marathon, the bed never, ever felt so good. There is no rest like a post-race rest. It is beautiful. Overall, life is very good lately. I’m getting the ducks in a row, slowly, and while I know they may not all always STAY in the row, while it lasts, it is feeling good. Hope you are all doing great, too.

Happy Birthday Baby!

Zufan turns 3 today!!! My mom mailed her some packages, and Zufan told her sister, “Don’t touch my party!” A party in a box. We need to blow out some candles, and make a visit to ChuckE-you-know-who’s. Maybe, maybe, pix later. But maybe not! I’m headed to Chicago in the morning…. Running Sunday. LIFE IS GOOD, people, life is good right now. I’m on a little high. A happy friend-filled roll. I’m out of running shape,  so this marathon will be an experiment in the power of the mind. We’ll see just how tough a happy mind is in relation to a wimpy body. And if it is slower than molasses in Wisconsin in January, I’m still going to finish the darn thing smiling. So there.  Take that, unhappiness. Gotta embrace a little joy when it makes a surprise visit, even if the stay is short.

One week to Chicago

I’d say that I’m in the worst running shape since I started running. And, it is one week to the Chicago Marathon. Lovely. But, that’s OK! Just aiming to finish, have fun with my world’s best girl friend in Chicago, and get motivated to start a new training plan when I get home.  Right now, off to correct papers on this child-free Friday night. Here are the kids, making bubbles on the street last weekend. That’s it. That’s what I’ve got for you today.

A little whine :)

I have about 2 minutes before I need to get in the shower. First, a tiny, little, quick post. This morning, I feel so tired. I’m thankful that all my classes are taking exams today; I get to relax, watch, do some correcting. There are times, like now, when I feel completely vulnerable. I like being fairly independent, but I also miss having somebody to lean on when I’m tired, or down, or just mellow. I ran a lot yesterday, took care of the kids a lot, and today, I feel really wiped out. I have a cold. I want someone to lean on. Somebody to get me some soup and tell me that it really IS all going to be OK someday. I’m getting close to sounding whiny here, aren’t I? The “everybody likes me but no one loves me” whine. Ah, well, we all have our moments, right? I’m sure the sun will come out a little later today. Hope you all are having a good Monday morning!

Having a lot a coffee lately

It’s busy, I’m tired, but everything is good! Coffee… I love it. This picture is stolen from the CNN article about the woman who has 100 cups of coffee with 100 men. Me, well, mostly, I’m having coffee to wake up in the morning, take care of kiddos, run, study, and work. With an occassional load of laundry thrown in. Mostly. . Today, last “long” run before the Chicago Marathon. Since I didn’t have much of a training plan, there won’t be much of a taper. Two weeks ’till the run. Have a great weekend, chicas.

And, I just realized, EVELYN GOT A REFERRAL!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow. Go see her. So, so happy.